when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
