Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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