Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My cat gives me a boner
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
