I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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