I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
