Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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