she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
