I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
