At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
