Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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