wanna go halves on a baby?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
