How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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