So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
