I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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