I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
