Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
