Will you blow on my dice?
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
