Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
