It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
