Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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