Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
