cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think I sprained my soul last night
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
