I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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