apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My day in three words: secret purse cake
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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