Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
