I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize