I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
