just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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