quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
