I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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