The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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