apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All the doctor said was why
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
