How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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