Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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