so let's talk penis.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
