He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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