I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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