Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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