it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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