omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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