went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
