apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
