i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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