I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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