When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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