Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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