He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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