I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
