He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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