Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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