I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
