you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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