I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
