sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize