Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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