the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
