i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
