I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
