I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
