A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just gargled with NyQuil
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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