This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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