He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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